Today I want to talk to you about trauma. It is something I have been meaning to write about for quite a while now, but I never felt ready to actually do it. It's mostly because I was too hesitant to become vulnerable. In the end I realised that there's no point in holding back, because whether I speak about it or not, I still carry it with me anyway. Also, it is high time we burnt our comfort zones, don't you think?
So back to our point, trauma. It was about a year ago and after my parents' break up when I was feeling rather devastated, that I started reading a series of books on how to heal the traumatic experiences that people encounter throughout their development, from being a newborn, to reaching adulthood. Those traumatic experiences are called childhood wounds. Apparently we all have them, some more than others. It can be anything that struck us while growing up, a mother that didn't respond to her newborns cries, a classmate that bullied us in primary school, an embarrassing moment when all eyes were zeroed in on us when we were little.
When it comes to me, it was many things that traumatised me while growing up and I am pretty sure I am not fully aware of all of them yet. I didn't even realise I had experienced trauma until the moment when intense psychosomatic symptoms started to appear. It is hard to become aware of the trauma, because our own mind is trying to protect us from all the pain of dealing with unresolved emotional issues.
When my body started to collapse I thought, no this can't be happening. I used to climb the steps two at a time, and now I can barely walk. I was falling apart and I didn't know what to do. I couldn't keep living life the way I used to. Something had to change. And it wasn't just the body, my spirit collapsed, too. I was sad, so sad, as if life and joy had been sucked out of me. After more than a year of ups and downs and several moments of almost giving up, I am still here and I dare say that I am happy. I had countless insights during the past year. I got to listen to myself and know my boundaries. I started loving myself by being my own friend.
The thing is my body was not failing me, I was failing my body, by stressing it too much, and I was failing my soul by not being true to myself, by being a yes-man, by neglecting my own needs. I realised I am going to build the life that is right for me consciously with my own hands. I will hit the breaks and I will take time to breathe. I will meditate, I will spend time outside in the nature, I will take dogs for walks, I will have time to connect with my friends and family.
Life is a choice. I choose mine to be a life that suits me, a life that has space for happiness and laughters, a life in which I feel light. Life really starts at the end of our comfort zones and this is just the place I want to be.
So back to our point, trauma. It was about a year ago and after my parents' break up when I was feeling rather devastated, that I started reading a series of books on how to heal the traumatic experiences that people encounter throughout their development, from being a newborn, to reaching adulthood. Those traumatic experiences are called childhood wounds. Apparently we all have them, some more than others. It can be anything that struck us while growing up, a mother that didn't respond to her newborns cries, a classmate that bullied us in primary school, an embarrassing moment when all eyes were zeroed in on us when we were little.
When it comes to me, it was many things that traumatised me while growing up and I am pretty sure I am not fully aware of all of them yet. I didn't even realise I had experienced trauma until the moment when intense psychosomatic symptoms started to appear. It is hard to become aware of the trauma, because our own mind is trying to protect us from all the pain of dealing with unresolved emotional issues.
When my body started to collapse I thought, no this can't be happening. I used to climb the steps two at a time, and now I can barely walk. I was falling apart and I didn't know what to do. I couldn't keep living life the way I used to. Something had to change. And it wasn't just the body, my spirit collapsed, too. I was sad, so sad, as if life and joy had been sucked out of me. After more than a year of ups and downs and several moments of almost giving up, I am still here and I dare say that I am happy. I had countless insights during the past year. I got to listen to myself and know my boundaries. I started loving myself by being my own friend.
The thing is my body was not failing me, I was failing my body, by stressing it too much, and I was failing my soul by not being true to myself, by being a yes-man, by neglecting my own needs. I realised I am going to build the life that is right for me consciously with my own hands. I will hit the breaks and I will take time to breathe. I will meditate, I will spend time outside in the nature, I will take dogs for walks, I will have time to connect with my friends and family.
Life is a choice. I choose mine to be a life that suits me, a life that has space for happiness and laughters, a life in which I feel light. Life really starts at the end of our comfort zones and this is just the place I want to be.
I couldn't describe with words how much this article of yours touched my heart and soul...Thank you Melena, thank you from the bottom of my heart. We have so much to talk about when we will finally meet each other one day.
ReplyDeleteDear Pola,
ReplyDeleteI am so happy that you found resonance in my words. I look forward to meeting you and listening to your story, the one that shaped you and made you the beutiful soul that you are.
Seems to me these stories are always deeply traumatic, right?...Doesn't matter. Looking forward too, my sweet Melenia!
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