The Graduate

Today was the day when I received my final grade for my Master's degree. I am done. I am a graduate. I never thought this day would come, not after everything I went through during the past year and a half.

The question now is "how does this makes me feel?".

My feelings are mixed, since I still haven't had enough time to digest what has happened. I had been stressing about this for so long that I need to allow myself to get used to the idea. After a few deep breaths I am starting to feel a weight slowly being lifted off my shoulders. Thoughts are racing through my mind. Is that it? Now what? Could I have done a better job? So many questions.

And you know what? I do not know. And you know what else? That is okay.

What I know is that after burning out and breaking down emotionally and physically, I did not quit. I successfully completed my program, and it was a tough one, believe me. I also know that despite the circumstances I stayed true to myself. I am still the kind, honest, considerate person I want to be.

What changed is the lens through which I see my own self. I can now see me as a human being, as a person who values values, who has feelings and needs that do not only have to do with performing in an academic context. What changed is that my work is no longer my life and that I feel more secure in my own skin than ever. My self worth is no longer solely dependent on performance. I am happy to have humans whom I love and who love me back, I am happy to have feelings, to have a family, I am happy to be healthy, to be standing on my feet, to be able to spread the love I carry inside me.

Rumi said “When you go through a hard period, when everything seems to oppose you, when you feel you cannot even bear one more minute, never give up! Because it is the time and place that the course will divert!”

And with that, my dear friends, I embrace change within me and outside of me and I invite you to do the same.

Time for Change

Today I want to talk to you about trauma. It is something I have been meaning to write about for quite a while now, but I never felt ready to actually do it. It's mostly because I was too hesitant to become vulnerable. In the end I realised that there's no point in holding back, because whether I speak about it or not, I still carry it with me anyway. Also, it is high time we burnt our comfort zones, don't you think?

So back to our point, trauma. It was about a year ago and after my parents' break up when I was feeling rather devastated, that I started reading a series of books on how to heal the traumatic experiences that people encounter throughout their development, from being a newborn, to reaching adulthood. Those traumatic experiences are called childhood wounds. Apparently we all have them, some more than others. It can be anything that struck us while growing up, a mother that didn't respond to her newborns cries, a classmate that bullied us in primary school, an embarrassing moment when all eyes were zeroed in on us when we were little.

When it comes to me, it was many things that traumatised me while growing up and I am pretty sure I am not fully aware of all of them yet. I didn't even realise I had experienced trauma until the moment when intense psychosomatic symptoms started to appear. It is hard to become aware of the trauma, because our own mind is trying to protect us from all the pain of dealing with unresolved emotional issues.

When my body started to collapse I thought, no this can't be happening. I used to climb the steps two at a time, and now I can barely walk. I was falling apart and I didn't know what to do. I couldn't keep living life the way I used to. Something had to change. And it wasn't just the body, my spirit collapsed, too. I was sad, so sad, as if life and joy had been sucked out of me. After more than a year of ups and downs and several moments of almost giving up, I am still here and I dare say that I am happy. I had countless insights during the past year. I got to listen to myself and know my boundaries. I started loving myself by being my own friend.

The thing is my body was not failing me, I was failing my body, by stressing it too much, and  I was failing my soul by not being true to myself, by being a yes-man, by neglecting my own needs. I realised I am going to build the life that is right for me consciously with my own hands. I will hit the breaks and I will take time to breathe. I will meditate, I will spend time outside in the nature, I will take dogs for walks, I will have time to connect with my friends and family.

Life is a choice. I choose mine to be a life that suits me, a life that has space for happiness and laughters, a life in which I feel light. Life really starts at the end of our comfort zones and this is just the place I want to be.

Εισαγωγή στο 2017

Λίγο μετά το τέλος της πρώτης ημέρας του χρόνου και το κεφάλι μου είναι γεμάτο άτακτες σκέψεις που σπρώχνονται για να βγουν όπως οι ανυπόμονοι επιβάτες στα αεροπλάνα μετά το τέλος κάθε πτήσης  -εν πάσει περιπτώσει, παιδιά, όλοι θα βγείτε. Σκέφτομαι κυρίως όλα αυτά που έμαθα και το πόσο μεγάλωσα το χρόνο που πέρασε.

Μέσα σε αυτό τον χρόνο έχασα και βρήκα πολλά πράγματα και είμαι τόσο ευγνώμων γι᾽ αυτό. Έχασα πολύ από τον θυμό που είχα για εμένα και για τους ανθρώπους γύρω μου και βρήκα συμπόνοια και κατανόηση για τη διαφορετικότητα του κόσμου. Έχασα πολλές από τις ανασφάλειές μου και κέρδισα πίστη στη ζωή και τον εαυτό μου. Έχασα και άλλα πολλά όπως το πορτοφόλι με όλες μου τις κάρτες, αλλά κέρδισα φίλους από διάφορα μέρη ανά τον κόσμο. Εκτός αυτών έχασα όλες μου σχεδόν τις ανέσεις και κέρδισα τεράστια ευγνωμοσύνη γι᾽ αυτές. Το πιο σημαντικό, όμως, είναι πως το 2016 για πρώτη φορά αποφάσισα να ακούσω τον εαυτό μου. Με ρώτησα ῾τι θα σε έκανε πραγματικά ευτυχισμένη;῾ και μου επέτρεψα να απαντήσω ειλικρινά. Χάνοντας πολύ από το χάος που υπήρχε στο κεφάλι μου, ήρθα πιο κοντά από ποτέ στο να βρω τη φωνή μου. 

Το 2016 με έχασα και με βρήκα. Ήταν η δυσκολότερη χρονιά μέχρι τώρα; Ναι, όμως μετά από όλα αυτά η κάθε μου μέρα είναι η καλύτερη μέρα της ζωής μου.